We Give It Meaning
Is that helping or hurting on the mending journey?
The other day my mom showed me a text she received and asked me, “What do you think she means by this?” I’ll admit, the text read a little passive-aggressive. Before I responded to my mom, almost instinctually I recalled the lessons from “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz. Two of the agreements guided the response I gave my mom: 1. Don’t take anything personally. 2. Don’t make assumptions. I’ve made so much progress in my personal growth journey by accepting these agreements as truths and putting them into practice, especially during the more difficult moments. “Who knows what she’s going through and processing right now, don’t take it personally,” was the response I landed on for my mom.
We are wired to give meaning to everything–meaning that’s most often informed by our own lived experiences. Meaning isn’t a bad thing. It’s what calls us to purpose-driven work, makes mundane moments with loved ones more joyful, and can be fuel for hope, which appears to be a limited resource these days. Meaning is personal. And because of this, it’s not a perfect science.
Meaning can turn into a (mindset) prison of our own making. We get stuck, overanalyzing every situation through the lens of our own experiences, hurting not only our own feelings but also jeopardizing our relationships with others. We forget that other people have an entirely different lived experience. We lose sight of all the possibilities that have informed someone’s reaction, and instead, we make it all about us.
I’m guilty of this. There was a lot of messaging I internalized as a child that led me to take a lot of things personally as an adult. My thirties have been a journey of freeing myself from this. I’ve learned the power of pausing, making space to reflect on a situation so I can see it from all perspectives. I’m able to recognize when the meaning I give something is really just a projection from myself. Most importantly, I’ve gotten more comfortable asking questions to get more clarity before I start making up stories in my head about why someone said or did something.
It’s normal to struggle with the meaning we give everything after a breakup. We give meaning to a text from an ex, what they’re posting on social media, the last words they left us with, and all the emotions that we feel while heartbroken. Then, we judge and shame ourselves, all in the name of the meaning we’ve attached to a certain feeling or situation.
If this is something you’re struggling with, this week’s Mend Training is a super helpful one. It’s an “aha” practice that gets you into the habit of pausing and naming emotions without attaching meaning. It’s a practice you can take into every aspect of your life. It’ll help you cultivate more peace as you heal and grow from this.
I’ll leave you with this food for thought… If we get to give our own meaning to anything, why not give a meaning that will help you move forward rather than one that’ll hurt you more?
With love,
Kat