Tiny steps used to scare me. Steps toward healing felt like threats to the hope I’d been holding onto. We’re getting back together. This is just a phase. We’ll make our way back to each other. During the weeks following my breakup, these were the thoughts driving all my decisions. At the time I worried that if I let myself take tiny steps, I’d be signaling to my brain (and my heart) that I was no longer hopeful for a reconciliation.
The mind plays crazy tricks on us when we’re in the depths of heartbreak. We rationalize the irrational. We grasp at anything as a sign that it isn’t over. We make ourselves at home in the comfort of pain. Sounds absurd that we’d find comfort in one of the most painful human experiences, but letting go means opening ourselves up to a world of uncertainty. For me, the uncertainty of being single again at 30 after having been single most of my 20s was terrifying.
So, in the weeks that followed the breakup, I avoided little victories. I took a hard pass on tiny steps. I knew that things like going for a walk, journaling, or even just texting one of my best friends would help me feel better. But instead, I chose to bury myself in the grief. I chose to stay in bed most days, pining over old photos, crying myself in and out of sleep, reminiscing about the good times, and mentally going in circles about how we ended up here. I could judge myself for it, but, as they say, the pain of heartbreak has to be felt!
And with time, as the pieces of my broken heart began to settle, the rose-colored glasses finally slipped off long enough for me to remember the biggest power move we all possess: choice. Subconsciously I’d chosen to stay close to the pain in hopes that it would somehow resurrect the relationship. I made the pain and the hope mutually exclusive, and in doing so I stopped myself from making choices that were in my own best interest, in my heart’s best interest.
Choice is one of the most potent forces in the human condition. It can lead us toward feeling better or keep us feeling sad. It can help us grow or it can keep us stagnant. It can get us excited about the future or it can keep us tied to the past. We get to decide.
It’s not always easy to choose what’s good for you, but let yourself feel empowered knowing that you’re in the driver’s seat. However small the choices may seem, push for the ones that will lead you back to wholeness.
It’s what I did. I chose me. And I hope that you’ll choose you too.
With love,
Kat
🎧 Mend Training
Tiny Steps
How to move forward even if it feels impossible.