One of the most uncomfortable and equally impactful lessons I’ve learned over the past few years has been how to sit with my feelings. I spent most of my late teens and a good part of my twenties trying to do everything but sit with myself. Not only did I look for distractions, I also kept moving the goalpost, thinking if I just checked off this next milestone everything would be fine. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was running.
Unpleasant thoughts and feelings won’t bubble up within and then fizzle away when ignored. They demand to be addressed, even if it’s not right now. For me, going through a breakup triggered this awakening. Still, I resisted. As all these thoughts and feelings came to the surface, I would berate myself for feeling any of it. I’d cry then get mad at myself for crying. With this response to my own emotions, it’s no surprise that I didn’t want to sit with the uncomfortable.
But you can’t heal what you refuse to acknowledge. Thankfully I had the support of our Mend Trainings–trainings like “Breaking The Cycle Of Self-Criticism” and “The Importance Of Feeling Your Emotions” (featured in this week’s newsletter below)–which not only helped normalize what was coming up for me, but also reminded me how to be a compassionate witness to my own thoughts and feelings.
In therapy, I also learned strategies for sitting with the uncomfortable. I wrote about the grieving hour practice my therapist taught me here. It was a pivotal practice in learning how to actually sit with the pain.
Ultimately, like anything else, the more you do it, the better you get at it. Sitting with my feelings is a practice I still work on. My instinct is still to avoid or get mad at myself for feeling sad or angry or anxious or disappointed, but then I remember how much better I feel when I don’t go down that route. It feels good to let it out. It feels good not to judge myself for being human. It feels good to know that I’m a healthier me when I’ve sat with it.
I know this mending practice isn’t a fun one, but it has the power to transform your life the most. Over the years, I’ve built up my own little self-care toolkit for sitting with the uncomfortable, so I’ll share a couple things that have helped me in hopes it helps you:
Find a safe space for sitting with your feelings, a quiet and private space where you feel completely comfortable. I also like having a mirror nearby. My safe space is in my bedroom by my full length mirror. I’ve found that sitting on the floor in front of the mirror helps me stay grounded when emotions are running high. I can look at myself and say to myself out loud: “You are safe. You are healthy. You are breathing. You are here.” and it keeps me very rooted in reality and not the stories my overthinking mind can produce. A self-hug really helps too!
I started a yin yoga practice once a week. This has been a game changer for me. In that hour-long class once a week, we practice stillness in uncomfortable positions. We breathe through the discomfort, and before we exit a pose we’re guided to stop and reflect on what came up and what we need before we go into doing a counter pose. This practice has carried into everyday life for me. I’d love to write more about it soon.
Life feels much more full when you let yourself experience every bit of it, the joy and fun as well as the hurt and sorrow. It all has a place in your story.
With love,
Kat