If I was relying on a conversation with my ex for closure, I’d be 3 years and waiting. The last message I ever sent was met with silence. It left me to deal with a void littered with unanswered questions.
Filling in the gaps on my own felt like a betrayal of its own. I knew that closure would never come from a conversation with him. Questions I’d have asked would have led to more, and the answers I would have gotten might have sunk me deeper into the heartbreak. Still, the silence was unbearable and a response felt like the only thing that would lessen the load.
The truth is, most breakups aren’t wrapped in a neat bow. You’re left searching for answers. The ache in your heart nudges you to try for just one more conversation. I need the closure, you tell yourself. If my ex could just help me understand why, then I’ll be able to move on. You convince yourself that closure comes from your ex. Sometimes because it really feels that way. Other times, because you’re holding on to hope that one more conversation could actually lead to reconciliation.
Unfortunately, giving in to this urge does nothing more than prolong your ability to detox from your ex. At Mend, we’ve dedicated an entire module in our heartbreak program to “The Science of Heartbreak” and another to “A 60-Day Ex Detox,” because it’s important to understand how your mind and body operate when you’re heartbroken. As bad as you crave it, that one last chat won’t bring you the closure you’re looking for.
Closure is something you create all on your own, as you do the work. Within you are the answers and wisdom you seek, the healing balm for your broken heart. All the questions you have are valid. Closure doesn’t come from neglecting them altogether, but from turning inward for the answers.
In the wake of my ex’s silence, I uncovered the lessons I needed to take away from the relationship. I had childhood wounds surface, ready to be addressed. I finally had to confront this need for external validation that had been a driving force in my life for as far back as I could remember. The rose-colored lenses eventually came off, allowing me to see the full picture of the relationship. I recognized how much was lacking in the relationship. And I learned what I truly want in a partnership.
For me, getting closure took time, patience with myself, and guided reflections to make my way through the process and to deepen my relationship with myself. It’s normal to want some sort of finality, but it’s important to remember that isn’t like the flip of a switch for heartbreak. It won’t be a quick fix. What is promising is that closure is an inside job, so you get to go at your own pace, knowing you don’t have to rely on anyone else to provide it for you. Knowing that with time, you’ll create it for yourself.
With love,
Kat
🎧 Mend Training
Waiting For Closure
What to do if you're waiting for closure and not getting it.